#7: If You Want to Be Happy, Have Zero Expectations

“If you want to be happy, have zero expectations of others.”

Expectations, [ ek-spek-tey-shuhns ].

Some of the greatest disappointments in our lives come from misplaced expectations. This is especially true when it comes to interacting with others. Most of us know that expectations lead to disappointment. Yet, it is still something we struggle so much with.

I’ve always been the type of person who tries to MEET PEOPLE WHERE THEY ARE. Except, when they’re not where I want/need them to be. Such a contradiction, I know. I just figured, if I could go hard and above + beyond, then why on earth can’t I expect the same in return? I’m cringing while writing this because I know that there are tons of people, including myself, who believe this way of thinking to be perfectly okay.

I’ve gotten feedback in the past along the lines of “She loves people in such a big way. But she’s also a perfectionist. She holds very high expectations for people who are close to her. And when she feels those expectations aren’t met, she has a way of making people feel guilty for it.”

Yikes. Well, first of all, nobody even asked for feedback! And, second of all, they were absolutely right. Yuck. I could never see it before, because I always thought that my expectations were harmless and not anything too farfetched! Little did I know how much harm it was causing others, but more importantly myself.

I hurt myself pretty bad actually. I went from being angry for overexerting myself for others. I would gladly stop whatever it was that I was doing, just to “be there” for people. Yet when the roles would be reversed, there would be no qualms about not “being there” for me. I used to call myself SELFLESS as if it was a badge of honor. Not realizing that my selflessness wasn’t really out of deep affection, but rather it was all out of fear. I‘m not even sure why, but ever since I was younger, I would always have this fear of being called SELFISH. So that fear, drove me to overcompensate in ways that would ultimately become selfless. My selflessness then became my greatest form of self-harm. When I saw how people could easily put themselves first, I would be a hater. I would hate myself for not being able to do the same and ultimately project that hate onto them.

After several months of doing some deep self-work (the kind of self-work that’s required to actually effect real change in our lives) I’ve finally been able to figure it out. Tempering your expectations of other people will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering, in both your life and theirs. It will also help you refocus on the things that truly matter. So I’d like to share those learnings with you, so you can get your life and nip this self-harm in the bud.

1. If you’re an extremist like myself, start with a baseline of Zero expectations. Don’t expect a text or call back. Don’t expect anyone to like or comment. Don’t expect to be invited. Don’t expect them to support your business. Don’t expect a thing. The key here is that you have to be at zero expectations, WITHOUT harboring those feelings of anger or frustration. I call this the reset.

Somewhere down the line you got a little too comfortable and grew to feel as if you’re owed these things. You believe it so much that now you feel betrayed or worse, disrespected whenever it doesn’t happen. You must undo this in order to move forward. Practice this step with the people closest to you first. Parents, significant others, friends, colleagues. When you feel yourself getting angry or hurt, tell yourself it’s okay. Not in that facetious kind of bitter way, but instead assure yourself that it’s truly okay.

2. Shift towards an attitude of gratitude. Change your reactions to be pleasantly surprised when you do get a call back. Be so giddy when they actually come and visit. Smile when they check-in on how work is going. Why? Well simply put, they didn’t have to do any of it.

When you remove those negative emotions, you have to replace it with something more positive. Having an attitude of gratitude will allow you to keep on your toes, while genuinely presenting as being more pleasant. You’d be surprised how much more folks would rather be around someone positive than be around a negative Nancy who just makes them feel guilty all of the time.

3. Be very careful not to perpetuate the same cycle all over again. “Since they did something for me, now I have to do something for them.” Realize that with the release of those negative emotions in step 1, you also released the pressure of engaging in tit-for-tat. If they decided to help you, it's because they wanted to or were able to at the time. Take ownership of the fact that you will do for them if/when you feel you can, not just because they did for you.

I started zero expectations with a lot of bitterness. I would tell myself it was cool, knowing damn well it was not. In some instances I would even wait for the next opportunity to get pay back. Talk about being passive aggressive. I began thinking up scenarios that would help me show them a little bit more grace and soon enough, I wasn’t so mad anymore. Once I was no longer mad, I realized that I stopped expecting anything. It wasn’t until they would do something for me or help out in some way that I realized how happy it made me. I would show so much appreciation because I remembered then, that they did not have to do it. Thank you.